How to Build Better Boundaries
Now that we know a bit about boundaries and what they could look like (if you're still unsure you can take a quiz here), it's important to now learn what you can do to build up and maintain your boundaries. Hint, it takes a lot of work and a lot of YOU making the effort to uphold your boundaries.
So what are the suggestions?
1. Name your limits: Before you can start enforcing boundaries, you first need to identify them. What are you physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits? What can you tolerate and not tolerate. What is going to make you feel stressed or uncomfortable? These feelings help us determine where our limits are.
2. Listen to your feelings: There are two key feelings that let us know when our boundaries have been crossed: discomfort and resentment. It is often suggested to view these feelings on a scale from 1-10. Anywhere from a 6-10 is considered a high zone. When you are in a situation and you feel that you are in the high zone, ask yourself "what is causing this feeling?" " what is it about the interaction or the person's expectations, that is bothering me?". Resentment usually stems from the feeling of being taken advantage of or not being appreciated. It is usually a sign that we are pushing ourselves beyond our own limits or someone else is imposing their expectations, views, or values on us that is different from our own.
3. Learn to be direct: communicating with people who communicate similarly to us, is usually a bit easier to set and maintain healthy boundaries with. Often times we fall short with people who communicate differently with us. One person may feel that challenging another person's opinion is a healthy way on communicating, but you feel that it is tense and disrespectful. Who is right or wrong? No one, we are just communicating differently. It's in these situations then, that it is important to be more direct about your boundaries so that the other person knows where the line is and we can prevent feelings of resentment or discomfort. Romantic relationships can also be a tricky place where we need to learn to be more direct. Having conversations around how much time you spend together and how much time you may need to maintain your sense of self is important, but not always easy to do. And with people close to us, we often are more likely to justify compromising our boundaries because we care and "don't want to see the other person hurt". But usually this can backfire, especially when we get to a point in our emotions that it starts to bubble over and we explode.
4. Give yourself permission: Fear, guilt, and self doubt often cause us to self-sabotage our boundaries. We may fear another person's response, feel guilty for speaking up or saying no, or doubt that what we are doing is okay. But we need to remember that boundaries are a sign of a healthy relationship and self-respect.
5. Be more self-aware: We don't expect you to be able to label all your emotions and boundaries off the get go. In the beginning a lot of it will be a learn as you go situation. So when you do feel those feelings, stop, pause, and reflect. Once you have reflected, mull over what your options are. What will you do about the situation? What do you have control over?
6. Consider the past and present: How we were raised and your own role in your family may play a role in your current boundaries. If you were the caretaker, you learnt to focus on others so you are more likely to have porous boundaries. It's also important to look at your current environment and how it contributes to your boundaries. Are you at a workplace where your co-workers stay an extra hour or two? Even this little thing can place a pressure on us to also live up to these expectations, even if they don't align with our values and needs.
7. Be assertive: One day we are going to have to devote an entire week on assertive communication and communication in general. Because it is so huge and crucial. But it is not enough to just create boundaries, we actually have to follow through on them. People are not mind readers, and we need to not expect them to be. We can't expect them to know what hurts us, so we need to communicate when that person has crossed a boundary. If you don't, they will think it's okay.
8. Be in charge of you: As much as we feel compelled to fix people, we cannot control other people's actions. We can provide suggestions, but unless they are willing to change, your efforts will be pointless. Know what you can and can't control. It is not your job to change people, it is your job to be in charge of you. You have the right to change your mind or direction anytime- but so does everyone else. You do not need to feel like you owe people anymore than you want to give. People who chose not to listen to you, disrespect your wishes, or have no intentions of changing their behaviour that is harming you, are people we need to consider walking away from without guilt or fear. A boundary is a door. In real life we do not let people bulldoze our house without our permission, so why are we letting them do so with ourselves? Hold yourself accountable, so that it is easier to hold others accountable.
Remember that boundaries can be flexible and will change given the context and people we are around and this is okay. Flexibility is a sign of healthy boundaries. You will not have the same comfort level with everyone in life or in every place of life. Know where your line ends so that someone else may know as well.
Sources:
Psych Central
Psychology Today
Healthline
Healthline
So what are the suggestions?
1. Name your limits: Before you can start enforcing boundaries, you first need to identify them. What are you physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits? What can you tolerate and not tolerate. What is going to make you feel stressed or uncomfortable? These feelings help us determine where our limits are.
2. Listen to your feelings: There are two key feelings that let us know when our boundaries have been crossed: discomfort and resentment. It is often suggested to view these feelings on a scale from 1-10. Anywhere from a 6-10 is considered a high zone. When you are in a situation and you feel that you are in the high zone, ask yourself "what is causing this feeling?" " what is it about the interaction or the person's expectations, that is bothering me?". Resentment usually stems from the feeling of being taken advantage of or not being appreciated. It is usually a sign that we are pushing ourselves beyond our own limits or someone else is imposing their expectations, views, or values on us that is different from our own.
3. Learn to be direct: communicating with people who communicate similarly to us, is usually a bit easier to set and maintain healthy boundaries with. Often times we fall short with people who communicate differently with us. One person may feel that challenging another person's opinion is a healthy way on communicating, but you feel that it is tense and disrespectful. Who is right or wrong? No one, we are just communicating differently. It's in these situations then, that it is important to be more direct about your boundaries so that the other person knows where the line is and we can prevent feelings of resentment or discomfort. Romantic relationships can also be a tricky place where we need to learn to be more direct. Having conversations around how much time you spend together and how much time you may need to maintain your sense of self is important, but not always easy to do. And with people close to us, we often are more likely to justify compromising our boundaries because we care and "don't want to see the other person hurt". But usually this can backfire, especially when we get to a point in our emotions that it starts to bubble over and we explode.
4. Give yourself permission: Fear, guilt, and self doubt often cause us to self-sabotage our boundaries. We may fear another person's response, feel guilty for speaking up or saying no, or doubt that what we are doing is okay. But we need to remember that boundaries are a sign of a healthy relationship and self-respect.
5. Be more self-aware: We don't expect you to be able to label all your emotions and boundaries off the get go. In the beginning a lot of it will be a learn as you go situation. So when you do feel those feelings, stop, pause, and reflect. Once you have reflected, mull over what your options are. What will you do about the situation? What do you have control over?
6. Consider the past and present: How we were raised and your own role in your family may play a role in your current boundaries. If you were the caretaker, you learnt to focus on others so you are more likely to have porous boundaries. It's also important to look at your current environment and how it contributes to your boundaries. Are you at a workplace where your co-workers stay an extra hour or two? Even this little thing can place a pressure on us to also live up to these expectations, even if they don't align with our values and needs.
7. Be assertive: One day we are going to have to devote an entire week on assertive communication and communication in general. Because it is so huge and crucial. But it is not enough to just create boundaries, we actually have to follow through on them. People are not mind readers, and we need to not expect them to be. We can't expect them to know what hurts us, so we need to communicate when that person has crossed a boundary. If you don't, they will think it's okay.
8. Be in charge of you: As much as we feel compelled to fix people, we cannot control other people's actions. We can provide suggestions, but unless they are willing to change, your efforts will be pointless. Know what you can and can't control. It is not your job to change people, it is your job to be in charge of you. You have the right to change your mind or direction anytime- but so does everyone else. You do not need to feel like you owe people anymore than you want to give. People who chose not to listen to you, disrespect your wishes, or have no intentions of changing their behaviour that is harming you, are people we need to consider walking away from without guilt or fear. A boundary is a door. In real life we do not let people bulldoze our house without our permission, so why are we letting them do so with ourselves? Hold yourself accountable, so that it is easier to hold others accountable.
Remember that boundaries can be flexible and will change given the context and people we are around and this is okay. Flexibility is a sign of healthy boundaries. You will not have the same comfort level with everyone in life or in every place of life. Know where your line ends so that someone else may know as well.
Sources:
Psych Central
Psychology Today
Healthline
Healthline
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