Dealing with a Toxic Family Member - Kyra's Story
The relationship that you have with your family can have a huge influence on your overall wellbeing. Family connections provide a greater sense of meaning and as well as supportive resources that benefit wellbeing. If you have a supportive and close relationship with your family it's impact can include emotional support, economic wellbeing and increases your overall health. However, you can experience a negative impact to your health if your family relationship is the opposite.
Now when we say family, we mean a broad definition. Family could mean blood ties, love ties,, marriage, relationships - whatever it is to you. There may be individuals in your circle who aim to make you feel low and show toxic behaviours. It makes you feel negative when you are around them. The relationship can affect your self-esteem, mood and wellbeing substantially. Today, Kyra Mercer has kindly agreed to share her story and experience with a toxic relationship with a family member who terminated the relationship! Read her raw experience below and make sure to give her a follow on Instagram @hi.my.name.is.anxiety and her blog himynameisanxiety.blog!
Hello new friends! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I am SO
thankful to Joana and Brittany for this opportunity to share my story with you all. My name is
Kyra and I am 25 years old. I am recently married and have struggled with my mental health my
entire life. A large part of my mental health struggles stem from trauma I experienced as a child
at the hands of my biological father; let’s call him Paul.
Paul is, in my opinion, the definition of toxic. I am certainly not a trained mental health
professional, but I feel confident in saying that he is a narcissist. He is an alcoholic. He was
emotionally and verbally abusive. He was manipulative and carried himself with a God complex
in all he did. Now, those are all nice buzzwords to explain who Paul is, but those words do no
justice the pain we endured under his thumb. Paul had what I believe is an addiction to
pornography, and he would watch it in my presence at the age 3 and 4 when no one else was
home. He played the lottery weekly and often exclaimed that he ought to win this time around
because, in his words, “God owes me something”. One time I cleaned my room and neglected to
separate all recyclable materials from trash. Paul pointed this out to me after going through the
garbage bags. He walked toward me, trash bags in hand, and said “If you aren’t going to help
me, don’t hinder me. All you’ve done is make my life harder”. One time, he told my mother that
the reason he was angry all the time was because he knew we would be a disappointment when
he came home from work, as in, our rooms being in disorder. When my parents finally separated,
Paul would spend our limited time together to trash talk the rest of my family and hold me, at the
age of 16, accountable for my brother’s lack of communication or my mother’s decision to go
forward with the divorce.
The pivotal moment in my “relationship” with Paul that made me understand how toxic
he truly is was when my mother fell ill and nearly lost her life. I had just turned 16, so I knew
that if my mother were to succumb to her illness, Paul would be my primary caregiver. This
thought was more terrifying to me than anything else my imagination could fathom. While my
mother was in the hospital, Paul thought this would be a good time to express his disappointment
in my appearance; I was 16 and had some pimples. I told him I was tired and stressed and hadn’t
been paying attention to skin care; he told me he was also tired and stressed, but “no one gives a
shit about me, now do they?”. Despite ALL of this, I did my very best to maintain some
resemblance of a connection with him. I saw him infrequently, answered his text messages, and
went out of my way to invite him to my high school graduation. The day before the ceremony,
Paul contacted my mother and expressed to her that I had not made him feel welcome enough for
him to make the effort to attend my graduation; so, he never showed. That was the last straw for
me. I know that probably sounds strange; a no-show at graduation after EVERYTHING else I
described seems so miniscule. In a way, it is. I’m not sure why that was the end for me, but to be
honest, I’m just glad that something was the end. I was fortunate enough to be in a position
where I was in control of Paul’s presence in my life. I never had to declare or ask for permission
to cut him off, I just did it. I stopped answering his messages and he gave up after about two
months. So I was lucky.
I don’t like to admit it, but Paul has had an immense impact on me. He has made his way
into my friendships, my marriage, and has taken up space in my mind being critical and
judgmental of all I do. I have suffered horribly with a fear of abandonment from those I love. I
experience anxiety around men who have been drinking, or men who may say or do something
that is reminiscent of Paul. I deal with extremely low self worth, because if my own father didn’t
want me…how could anyone else? I suffer with moderate depression that I battle everyday. I cut
myself from the ages of 14-18, with slip ups in the time since. I deal with a mild form of OCD,
trying to be in constant control of everything around me. I also suffer with PTSD, waiting for my
husband to berate me for spilling a drink. I am constantly learning new things about myself that
are often unpleasant, and can often be attributed to moments from my childhood.
When I was 17, I decided to never speak to or see Paul again. It didn’t work as he showed
up at our home uninvited numerous times and was in attendance at my brother’s wedding; but
I’ve done my best. I have absolutely no regrets about the decision I made. However, there are
many things I wish I had known before I made that choice, and I would like to pass that
knowledge onto you all.
This decision was not consequence free. It was the easiest decision I ever made, but also
the hardest; in the sense that I knew what I needed to do for my own mental well being, but I
absolutely hated that I had to do it. There have been moments, albeit very few of them, where I
have the urge to contact Paul because I just want to talk to my “dad”. I deal with constant guilt
when I think of the day Paul is no longer here and what I might feel when that day comes. I have
had to stay clear of the topic of Paul with my brother as we have gone in very different directions
in regard to our father. When I decided to not invite Paul to my wedding, that led to every
paternal family member of mine declining to attend. I have been left out of family reunions and
family discussions by my Aunts and Uncles and cousins, despite the fact that they have no idea
what Paul has done to me and my family. Like, I said, Paul is a master manipulator and that has
caused me to lose so much of my family who I have always loved, and that hurts. But it is what it
is.
Since Paul has left my life, things have been both immensely better AND immensely
more complicated. I have been given the opportunity to see myself and my life far more clearly. I
am free from the shackles of abuse, but am not free from the critical parent inside my head and
the trauma I live with everyday. I am free from Paul, but I am not free from his affect. With all
that being said, I have absolutely no regrets. If you are considering separating yourself from a
toxic family member, I think that you should follow your heart. Only YOU know what YOU
need, and you deserve to be free and be happy. Do not let pressure from the toxic family member
or other family members or your guilt stop you from protecting yourself. It will not be an easy
process and it may never be a completed process. I encourage you to seek a therapist who
understands the complexities of cutting off a toxic family member so you can have an objective
and guiding voice along your journey. Most importantly, I urge you to make the best decision for
yourself. That can be hard to recognize at times, but I promise, if you spend some time listening
to your heart and your gut instinct, the answer will present itself.
I am available to talk if you have questions or are looking for some support as you battle
with a toxic family member. You can read my blog at himynameisanxiety.blog. You can also
find me on Instagram at @hi.my.name.is.anxiety, and email me at Kyra_Mercer@outlook.com.
Resources
http://www.uniteforsight.org/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/
himynameisanxiety.blog
https://acws.ca/
Edmonton Local emergency call lines:
24-Hour Distress Line: (780) 482-HELP (4357)
Family Violence Info Line: 310‑1818
Bullying Helpline: 1‑888‑456‑2323
Child Abuse Hotline: 1‑800‑387‑5437
Kids Help Line: 1-800-668-6868
Now when we say family, we mean a broad definition. Family could mean blood ties, love ties,, marriage, relationships - whatever it is to you. There may be individuals in your circle who aim to make you feel low and show toxic behaviours. It makes you feel negative when you are around them. The relationship can affect your self-esteem, mood and wellbeing substantially. Today, Kyra Mercer has kindly agreed to share her story and experience with a toxic relationship with a family member who terminated the relationship! Read her raw experience below and make sure to give her a follow on Instagram @hi.my.name.is.anxiety and her blog himynameisanxiety.blog!
Hello new friends! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I am SO
thankful to Joana and Brittany for this opportunity to share my story with you all. My name is
Kyra and I am 25 years old. I am recently married and have struggled with my mental health my
entire life. A large part of my mental health struggles stem from trauma I experienced as a child
at the hands of my biological father; let’s call him Paul.
Paul is, in my opinion, the definition of toxic. I am certainly not a trained mental health
professional, but I feel confident in saying that he is a narcissist. He is an alcoholic. He was
emotionally and verbally abusive. He was manipulative and carried himself with a God complex
in all he did. Now, those are all nice buzzwords to explain who Paul is, but those words do no
justice the pain we endured under his thumb. Paul had what I believe is an addiction to
pornography, and he would watch it in my presence at the age 3 and 4 when no one else was
home. He played the lottery weekly and often exclaimed that he ought to win this time around
because, in his words, “God owes me something”. One time I cleaned my room and neglected to
separate all recyclable materials from trash. Paul pointed this out to me after going through the
garbage bags. He walked toward me, trash bags in hand, and said “If you aren’t going to help
me, don’t hinder me. All you’ve done is make my life harder”. One time, he told my mother that
the reason he was angry all the time was because he knew we would be a disappointment when
he came home from work, as in, our rooms being in disorder. When my parents finally separated,
Paul would spend our limited time together to trash talk the rest of my family and hold me, at the
age of 16, accountable for my brother’s lack of communication or my mother’s decision to go
forward with the divorce.
The pivotal moment in my “relationship” with Paul that made me understand how toxic
he truly is was when my mother fell ill and nearly lost her life. I had just turned 16, so I knew
that if my mother were to succumb to her illness, Paul would be my primary caregiver. This
thought was more terrifying to me than anything else my imagination could fathom. While my
mother was in the hospital, Paul thought this would be a good time to express his disappointment
in my appearance; I was 16 and had some pimples. I told him I was tired and stressed and hadn’t
been paying attention to skin care; he told me he was also tired and stressed, but “no one gives a
shit about me, now do they?”. Despite ALL of this, I did my very best to maintain some
resemblance of a connection with him. I saw him infrequently, answered his text messages, and
went out of my way to invite him to my high school graduation. The day before the ceremony,
Paul contacted my mother and expressed to her that I had not made him feel welcome enough for
him to make the effort to attend my graduation; so, he never showed. That was the last straw for
me. I know that probably sounds strange; a no-show at graduation after EVERYTHING else I
described seems so miniscule. In a way, it is. I’m not sure why that was the end for me, but to be
honest, I’m just glad that something was the end. I was fortunate enough to be in a position
where I was in control of Paul’s presence in my life. I never had to declare or ask for permission
to cut him off, I just did it. I stopped answering his messages and he gave up after about two
months. So I was lucky.
I don’t like to admit it, but Paul has had an immense impact on me. He has made his way
into my friendships, my marriage, and has taken up space in my mind being critical and
judgmental of all I do. I have suffered horribly with a fear of abandonment from those I love. I
experience anxiety around men who have been drinking, or men who may say or do something
that is reminiscent of Paul. I deal with extremely low self worth, because if my own father didn’t
want me…how could anyone else? I suffer with moderate depression that I battle everyday. I cut
myself from the ages of 14-18, with slip ups in the time since. I deal with a mild form of OCD,
trying to be in constant control of everything around me. I also suffer with PTSD, waiting for my
husband to berate me for spilling a drink. I am constantly learning new things about myself that
are often unpleasant, and can often be attributed to moments from my childhood.
When I was 17, I decided to never speak to or see Paul again. It didn’t work as he showed
up at our home uninvited numerous times and was in attendance at my brother’s wedding; but
I’ve done my best. I have absolutely no regrets about the decision I made. However, there are
many things I wish I had known before I made that choice, and I would like to pass that
knowledge onto you all.
This decision was not consequence free. It was the easiest decision I ever made, but also
the hardest; in the sense that I knew what I needed to do for my own mental well being, but I
absolutely hated that I had to do it. There have been moments, albeit very few of them, where I
have the urge to contact Paul because I just want to talk to my “dad”. I deal with constant guilt
when I think of the day Paul is no longer here and what I might feel when that day comes. I have
had to stay clear of the topic of Paul with my brother as we have gone in very different directions
in regard to our father. When I decided to not invite Paul to my wedding, that led to every
paternal family member of mine declining to attend. I have been left out of family reunions and
family discussions by my Aunts and Uncles and cousins, despite the fact that they have no idea
what Paul has done to me and my family. Like, I said, Paul is a master manipulator and that has
caused me to lose so much of my family who I have always loved, and that hurts. But it is what it
is.
Since Paul has left my life, things have been both immensely better AND immensely
more complicated. I have been given the opportunity to see myself and my life far more clearly. I
am free from the shackles of abuse, but am not free from the critical parent inside my head and
the trauma I live with everyday. I am free from Paul, but I am not free from his affect. With all
that being said, I have absolutely no regrets. If you are considering separating yourself from a
toxic family member, I think that you should follow your heart. Only YOU know what YOU
need, and you deserve to be free and be happy. Do not let pressure from the toxic family member
or other family members or your guilt stop you from protecting yourself. It will not be an easy
process and it may never be a completed process. I encourage you to seek a therapist who
understands the complexities of cutting off a toxic family member so you can have an objective
and guiding voice along your journey. Most importantly, I urge you to make the best decision for
yourself. That can be hard to recognize at times, but I promise, if you spend some time listening
to your heart and your gut instinct, the answer will present itself.
I am available to talk if you have questions or are looking for some support as you battle
with a toxic family member. You can read my blog at himynameisanxiety.blog. You can also
find me on Instagram at @hi.my.name.is.anxiety, and email me at Kyra_Mercer@outlook.com.
Resources
http://www.uniteforsight.org/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/
himynameisanxiety.blog
https://acws.ca/
Edmonton Local emergency call lines:
24-Hour Distress Line: (780) 482-HELP (4357)
Family Violence Info Line: 310‑1818
Bullying Helpline: 1‑888‑456‑2323
Child Abuse Hotline: 1‑800‑387‑5437
Kids Help Line: 1-800-668-6868
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