Guest Post: Vance Bosch - Mental Health during Men Fertility Struggles & Adjusting to being a Twin Dad!
My journey to becoming a dad wasn't traditional, but it's also not uncommon. In the spirit of Movember, I want to use this opportunity to focus more on the mental health adversities I've experienced through my infertility and fatherhood journeys.
My wife and I started "trying" to have kids a few years ago (which to us meant stop taking the pill). We were under the disillusion that the only thing preventing us from having a bustling house full of babies was birth control pills. We "tried" for over 2 years, reading books, timing cycles, and of course the following the sage advice of "relax", "stop trying so hard", or "just get drunk and do it". Needless to say, none of this worked. We decided to get referrals from our family doctors and do some fertility testing. Morgan's results were optimal! She was in peak condition to conceive and carry a healthy baby to full term delivery. My results were extremely low in every metric. I was devastated. I remember calling Morgan from my car parked outside the doctor's office, and I was so detached and numb that it felt like a spooky out of body experience where I was looking down on myself from above and watching myself deliver the news.
The next few months were some of the darkest I've ever been through. As an overachiever my whole life, I was lost not being able to outsmart or outwork this obstacle; I felt broken. I spent my days off in bed, cried a lot for no reason, and avoided human contact as much as I could. I was a shell of a human. Through some serendipitous chain of events, I ended up connecting with some people I trusted that had similar experiences with infertility in their fatherhood journeys. I asked questions, listened to their stories, and shared my feelings for the first time in what felt like forever. The connection was liberating and invigorating. I started to feel less alone, less guilty, and less numb the more I connected with people and shared my story.
Morgan and I made an appointment at PCRM Fertility and made a plan. Over the course of the next year, we tried every treatment we could to prepare for the IVF procedure. We did fertility specialized acupuncture, I was on HcG injections, we did energy healing sessions, and meditation while we saved every penny we could (the procedure is far from financially accessible, and we are blessed to have been able to save up for it). We focused all of our energy, resources, and being into starting a family!
I'll remember the day we found out we were pregnant for the rest of my life. It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders; I was bawling like a baby and probably hugging my wife way too hard. The pregnancy was better than expected, and Morgan was an absolute warrior; working until just over a month before our due date and never being limited to bed rest. We delivered two healthy and HUGE boys (7lbs 2oz + 6lbs 3oz) by cesarean, and were home within a few days.
Being a new dad has caused a massive shift in my priorities and perspective. We're blessed to have built a life that I have the flexibility to be present as a dad, and I was even able to take off the first month of the boys' arrival from work. Having two brand new babies at the same time required all hands on deck, and we learned a lot of hard and fast lessons in our new parenting journey. We have learned a lot of patience, appreciation for each other, and have suspended all judgement of other parents! My work weeks have gone from around 70 hours a week to the 55 hour range, I lean on my team a lot more, and spend a lot less time on things that aren't making Central a better place to work, visit, etc.
Although I'm an Ambassador at @x.therapy, have an incredibly supportive network through the @lululemon community, and am constantly inspired by my good friend, business partner, and fellow new dad @jessekupina in his fitness journey, I can't seem to find the time and energy to exercise regularly. Our boys aren't even 5 months old, but I struggle with the expectation of myself to be in much better shape and vitality. Morgan and I do our best to meal prep, get as much sleep and naps as possible with infant twins, and follow a natural supplement regime prescribed by our naturopath. We realize we need to be more patient and gracious with ourselves, focused on being present with each other and the boys, and do what we can to keep ourselves healthy (and sane) through this season of our lives.
If you want to help support men's mental health initiatives, please visit https://ca.movember.com/
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