Motherhood & the Things We Don't Always Talk About

Motherhood is a beautiful moment in most people's lives. For many people, it is the very thing they so deeply want from life. To bring a child into this world and raise them through all the good and bad. Motherhood is something so intriguing to many because it is this sacred bond, this pivotal moment for many, and creates a new sense of identity.

But like many things in this world, along with all the good, there is bound to be some bad. This week we are going to focus on the challenges we often don't talk about enough when it comes to motherhood. I'm talking about some hard hitting stuff. Baby losses, infertility, your identify change, postpartum, and more. It's easy to paint this picture of a mom who is stressed, messy house, messy self, but a happy healthy kid. To think "she doesn't have it all together, but she is doing pretty damn good" and tell ourselves that this is the worst it can get for most moms. For the average mom.

But there is more. There are mental health problems that many women face, physical health problems that result from giving birth, physical health problems that prevent us to becoming moms and the unspoken stigmas, the stigmas working moms face, stay at home moms face. This culture of judgment, lack of support and empathy, and in the beginning often sometimes a feeling of isolation. It's time we create a safe space for all moms to talk about. A place where a mom can unload and not feel judged. Because let's face it, EVERY mom has a little bit of mom guilt. We all feel it. So why shame others? Why not start by acknowledging and talking about the challenges and creating a platform for these moms to get their feet on the ground and get to where they need to be.

So what is our culture around motherhood telling us?

Let's start with the basic one: women have this maternal bliss. No mother would ever DREAM of hurting a child or ever be pushed to that point. We shouldn't want to hit our kids or we shouldn't want to tear out our hair. We might get mad, but our patience should win. Push us through.

Wrong.

As a parent educator from a previous job, this was one of the BIGGEST guilts most moms confided in. And the reason they told me? Because we were bound by confidentiality. They felt safe enough to say "Hey, my kid makes me really really mad. I don't like how it is controlling me but I don't know how to fix it. So I just put on a brave face, swallow it, and try to remain calm." We avoid the problem.

An article I recently read talked about how her child pushes her to this point that is similar to road rage. She talks about how she watched a mother on the bus hit her child, judging her. Now she looks back at this mother with empathy because she understands. She has felt the anger pump through her body, has felt the moments where she wants to cry in frustration, rip something, throw something, hit something. She says her mantra is "Don't touch him, don't touch him, don't touch him" because she knows it could result in an arm squeeze too tight, the yanking of a red cape too strong, the toss on a bed, unexpected. It has shown her a side of herself she didn't like, but who could she talk to about it? Mothers shouldn't feel this way. 

But wanna know the truth? A lot of moms do. Kids have this special way of knowing exactly what our triggers are. Or how about the frustration when we start to see little mini versions of ourselves, picking up are not so best qualities sometimes. Then we think, "Shit, how am I supposed to be upset now?". 

Mom anger is a thing. Really. Google it. And it is a thing that should be talked about more. It should be learnt about more, so that we can continue giving these moms the resources and tools they need to be able to support themselves. But first we need to acknowledge it. Tell ourselves, "hey I'm feeling ____ and I want to change that about myself". Then we can start moving forward. Start working on finding that balance so that we DON'T cross that line. It has to start somewhere, and it begins with talking.

What are some other concerns are society has pressured moms?

Lose your baby weight quickly! How many magazines have you come by or social media influencers promising the next best thing to get you back the pre-baby bod? This insistent need to lose it and lose it quick or it stays on forever. How about let's give our body some time to heal and when we are ready to workout, making small realistic goals because you are also adjusting to a new life at the same time.

To stay at home or go back to work? This is one battle that doesn't seem to have a winning side, it just depends who you are talking about. If you don't work, people question how hard your life must possibly be, not realizing that you are living and breathing your job 24/7. You don't get to clock out. But on the other side moms who work are criticized for not being more maternal, for placing their career above their children, and getting questions of why they even bothered having kids. How about just applauding all moms for trying to work out whats best for their family?

Breast feeding or Formula? Which is better? Are you less of a mom if you choose formula? Does the amount of milk we produce determine how good of a mom we are? Breast feeding causes quite a bit of distress for moms, especially first time moms. It can be messy and painful. And let's not forget all those shameful eyes because god forbid you feed your child in public. And mamas who use formula, whether by choice or not, you are doing what you need to. You are trying to find a way to make sure your baby gets what they need in the best way you know how and that's all that matters. If you have a healthy, happy baby with formula or breast milk, why should the rest matter?

Bottom line: this pressure to be the perfect mother that we put on mothers leads to some serious stress, mom-guilt, and burn out. Seriously. Research shows that this pressure affects a mother's feelings, their thoughts, and their behaviours, and they are more likely to burn out. This study found that mother's will place a high amount of stress on themselves, will focus themselves on avoiding mistakes, and engage in more gatekeeping behaviours like taking responsibilities away from their partners to ensure again mistakes are avoided. In fact, research shows that mothers are more likely to suffer from depressive symptoms compared to females who don't have children. We have a whole population that needs support, but they don't feel they can ask for it or feel they have the time for it. We need to find a way to take better care of one another.

And it all starts with talking.

Sources:
Parenting Article
Mom blog
Research article