Making Peace with my Body: An Ex-Bikini Competitor

I have stood on the scale and been ready to throw it across the room because I hated the number it displayed and felt I was less worthy due to my LITERAL gravitational pull on earth. 

I have spent hours, literally hours on the stair climber to shrink the size of my legs to only be told by the judge that they are still too big. 

I have missed out on nights out and getting together with my friends because the fear of eating out is too overwhelming so it's just easier to not go.

I have ran miles and miles out of guilt and shame for what I ate the day before. 

I have weighed out, or put into colour coded containers the amount of vegetables I can eat.

I have ate so little that I lost my menstrual cycle and had my hair falling out. Not to mention a list of at least another dozen side effects from being malnourished. 

I have cried on the bathroom floor by the toilet making a promise to myself that this is the “last time” I make myself sick.

Sadly enough, I have done so much more.

All in the hopes of having the “perfect” body.

One day I came to breaking point. After months, years, well actually over a decade of living in a cycle of dieting and extremes which lead to losing weight, which then ultimately ended up in me gaining it once I could no longer sustain it, to finally starting once again another diet or crazy exercise regime to lose more weight. To say I was exhausted and broken would be an understatement.

This may sound cliche and maybe to some unbelievable, but on the road to becoming to smallest version of myself I became the unhappiest version of myself. I was so lonely, anxious and depressed because I had distanced myself from any feelings or relationships I had in order to put all my energy into reaching my goal of the “perfect” body. I would feel anxious if I didn't go to the gym, and I would be sad when I laid at home alone exhausted, drained and hungry. Those who didn't know me besides my gym selfies on social media or passing by me as I spent 3 hours in the gym labelled me as fit, healthy, and dedicated but deep down I knew that I was unwell and so did my loved ones. No matter how thin, shredded or petite I became it was never enough and I honestly never felt fulfilled. That's when I knew this would just a never ending cycle, and I no longer wanted to fear taking up space in this world.

Moving towards accepting my body wasn't easy. In fact it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It also wasn't a quick process where I just magically chose to just wake up and have normal eating habits, workout to feel good and make peace with the reflection in the mirror. Living a balanced life and making peace with your body doesn't happen overnight, and requires patience, dedication and a lot of hard work. To be honest, I am still figuring it all out.

Everything starts with one step in the right direction. The first step I took was committing to therapy. I just want to remind you all that it's also totally awesome to go to therapy to talk to an educated health care professional to get help to cope with your life struggles.

By working with a therapist I slowly, and when I mean slowly, I mean VERY slowly changed my routine and habits to move towards acceptance and self compassion. I began to deal with the emotions behind my chase for perfection and control. Once I had started to work through my emotions and limiting self beliefs I was able to take steps forward.  It started with rest days, not weighing my food and then weighing myself less. Estimating food intake to not logging my food at all. Throughout this there were ups and downs and I discovered a lot about myself, our society and the diet culture we are constantly surrounded by.

Eventually I started to make progress on my own by taking even more baby steps, like buying bigger clothes, filtering out negative accounts from my instagram feed and surrounding myself with people who were uplifting and supported my recovery. I stopped idolizing people for their bodies and began following/ becoming friends with people who had a balanced lifestyle and a positive body image. I educated myself by listening to podcasts, reading blogs and books about recovery, wellness and health at every size. I mended relationships that had suffered throughout my eating disorder and chase for the “thin ideal”.

Most of all, I started to become the person I wanted to be and finding value in so much more than just the shape and size of my body.

As all the other pieces fell into place my body image improved despite weight gain. I gained a life full and love and laughter and suddenly my body image didn't seem like the most important thing in the world.

Ultimately I found one of the biggest factors in helping me heal my body image came down to focusing less and putting less pressure on my body image. Giving up diet culture and embracing the healthy able body I do have. Being healthy is so much more important than looking a certain way or weighing a certain number on a scale. Health doesn't have a size or a certain body type. Health is more than just even physical. Recovery and self acceptance has taught me wellness is based on my mental, physical and spiritual health. If you are healthy and thriving, your body is an amazing body just as it is naturally meant to be.

 

Now I am not going to sit here and say I am healed or that I love the way I look. I am human therefore I have my good and bad body image days. Body image will forever be a work in progress but I am no longer just a body. I serve a greater purpose than being thin, shredded or weighing a certain number on a scale. I also remind myself daily I do not need to shrink myself and it's perfectly acceptable to take up space. I am enough just as I am. I am finally at peace with my past as I know its lead me to where am today and I can only hope my story can encourage someone to move towards self love and healing too.

Brianna

@brianna.christinee